Just One of Those "Days"

Sometimes we have those days where everything seems to be going a wrong turn. The elevator is broken so you have to walk on the stairs, it rains when you are without an umbrella, and also you get gonorrhea. It's like God is fucking with you. And God? He never finds out. I am just not that strong enough so that I could have God find out. He's all the way up in heaven, which is in the clouds, in the sun or a similar locations. 

But then thinking about God got me thinking about that very popular Mel Gibson movie. You know that movie, don't you. It was really violent, where all these people were fucking with a very good guy, putting him through a real difficult time and things, and it was called "Ransom." A bad guy wanted money from Mel because Mel had a lot of money, and he kidnapped Mel's son and asked for Mel's money from him (Mel). So I realized that if I wanted to fuck with God like he fucked with me, I would have to fuck with God's son. I knew from Sunday School and various prison chaplains that this son's name was Jesus, or Jeez for shorter.

I went to the church that lives near me, because that's where Jesus is. There was a priest there talking to a none, and I went up to them in a calm and debonair way. I said "Hi I'm Greg." I then said "Hey father do you have any statues of Jesus?" and he said "Yes" and pointed to a statue that was of Jesus. I said "I need to borrow Jesus." He asked why and I realized that I had no good plan to explain why I was taking the statue! I should have thought of a plan first, but hindsight is a moot point, so I had to do it there. Unfortunately I am not always good under pressure so I told him it was to show Jesus in a science project. This was a bad idea as I am clearly not young enough to be a school student and am covered in thick layers of matted hair. Thus the priest did not want me to take the statue from the church. So I told him that I had a better story, and I needed to repaint the statue. He said that the statue was made of stone and not painted. I told him "hello" because I was not able to think of anything else. He and the none began to back away with a lot of trepidation. I saw my chance and ran at the Jesus. With sadness, I realized that He was stuck in the floor because of his heaviness. The priest ran at me and tried to stop me and while I was trying to take the Jesus from the ground of the church, I accidentally elbowed him in the chin. He fell to the ground, exclaiming unhappily all the while. I was worried about the policemen, so I ran from the church and went back to my home.

I thought I had failed to have God find out via his Son's being fucked with. I was sad and melancholy. But then I turned on the internet and I saw that a priest is the representative of Jesus on Earth. So in other words, so to speak, the man who I hit in the chin is like the friend of God's son. And I had that friend find out. I had that friend found out hard.

To celebrate, I watched Ransom, which I realized starred Lieutenant Dan as the kidnapping man. He was unprecedentedly good at that role.